The Theory of Social Sentencing

Call me “Your honor” and let me put on my judicial robe because court is in session!

In social falling outs, not everything deserves a life sentence

We all have that one family member who said something mildly offensive at a birthday party in 1998 and has been serving a life sentence in whispered family gossip ever since. Somehow, a five-second comment turns into a 25-year narrative. A short relationship becomes a permanent identity. We act as judge, jury, and executioner in our own minds. So I built a system for it.

I call it The Theory of Social Sentencing and, in basic terms, it’s a way of allowing emotion to coincide with justice in social situations based on an allocated proportional amount of time for processing. Essentially, you become the judge over every negative social interaction in your life. Your role is to assign a predetermined period of “normal” emotional response based on the time, energy, and resources invested.

I created this concept after acknowledging how strongly justice and punishment influence my thinking. I know I’m not alone in this mindset because it’s reflected throughout every area of American life. We love our prison industrial complex! As a society, we obsess over the fairness of everything. We welcome punishment against those who have done wrong. From joking signs on private property that read, “You can’t outrun my gun,” to canceling so many we now call it culture. The idea of law and order is deeply embedded in our collective consciousness.

I grew up in a Christian-conservative household, and attended a Southern Baptist private high school. Nearly every value and belief was instilled through fear. The fear of God’s wrath, the fear of breaking rules, the fear of consequences. I’ll never forget my freshman year of high school having a “casual” lunch conversation debating whether death-row inmates deserved a final meal. Even in a relaxed adolescent setting, the conversation centered on what was “deserved.” It’s engrained in my mind to determine good vs bad, right vs wrong. As someone who has a tendency to fixate and obsess, my mind has spent years in it’s own prison. I decided it was time for that prison to be put under review for quality assurance.

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“Do the crime, do the time”

Imagine a man robs a bank of $100,000 and is sentenced to ten years in prison. While no justice system is perfect and circumstances can always be debated, the structure is straightforward: a crime is committed, a consequence is assigned, and justice is served. Once the sentence is served, the individual is released and given the opportunity to reintegrate into society. There is closure. There is an end to his punishment. We understand this logic everywhere except in our own lives.

A $500 parking ticket at 25 can be paid and forgotten. But a single snide remark from a family member can become the center of conversation for decades. Emotional penalties often far exceed the original offense. We are led by our emotions and devotions. We put much greater weight on our relationships and emotional falling outs than we do on physical or financial altercations.

The Theory of Social Sentencing seeks to produce proportionality. It does not rid emotion, nor does it encourage denial. Passive aggressive types are often labeled less dramatic, but lack of emotion doesn’t equate to solution. There’s a balance. Anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety are normal responses to difficult situations. They deserve acknowledgment. However, most social ordeals warrant an evening of reflection, a conversation if necessary, and heightened awareness of the dynamic moving forward. Rarely does any situation call for weeks/months/years of mental replay or constant projection. Not everything deserves a life sentence in our minds.

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Psychologically, the brain is wired to prioritize threat detection and social belonging. When conflict occurs, especially in close relationships, the mind treats it as a potential threat to safety or identity. Reflection becomes an attempt at control. In other words, our brains think they’re helping. If we replay the event enough times, we convince ourselves we can prevent it from happening in the future. This creates loops, fixations, delusions. My problem was allowing negative emotional responses, loss, and past trauma to linger for years. There have been moments where I’ve complained about someone longer than I actually spent knowing them. This pattern is common among those with PTSD or obsessive tendencies. For me, it became unhealthy. My solution was Social Sentencing. Here’s what that actually looks like:

The Theory of Social Sentencing Formula:

S = R × M

S = Sentence (processing time)
R = Length of the relationship (hours/days/months/years - doesn’t matter)
M = Intensity multiplier

Minor conflict: 0.5
Moderate conflict: 1
Major conflict: 2

*As a disclaimer, there are obvious situations where a situation has escalated beyond social sentencing and requires actual legal sentencing. I am not suggesting every relationship can be restored or engaged with. Please use discretion in situations of abuse, harm, and actual criminal activity. This framework is meant to apply to general falling outs, let downs, gossip, and social circle drama.

Example:
Not perfect but a proportional example: A six-month friendship that ends in major conflict (6 × 2) equals twelve months of social sentencing.

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The Theory of Social Sentencing In Practice:

While social sentencing is mainly contemplation, it can also include a determined amount of time for conversing about or distancing one’s self from a person/situation. In the example above, one should go a year without seeing this friend. After a year, one should refrain from holding any conversation (good or bad) about said friend.

If someone you barely know makes a rude comment, perhaps that equates to 30 minutes of annoyance (not three days of complaining). If a long-term friend betrays your trust, the formula may bring a longer processing period. It’s important to allow yourself to feel fully within the allotted time. Embrace the emotions as they come. Be open with others if needed. If you feel the conflict needs resolving, seek to do so in the allotted time. But once the sentence has been served, you move forward. We all have a limited supply of emotional real estate. Don’t let someone stay longer than their reservation. Social Sentencing still allows for boundaries, self-respect, and intuitive thinking. Trust and respect may very well be gone based on prior interactions. However, we can acknowledge both parties have the right to move on with their social lives, families, mutual friends.

Social Sentencing allows space for healing, not only for harm done to us, but also harm done by us. I was raised in an environment that emphasized guilt and self-condemnation. For years, I punished myself indefinitely for mistakes and relationship falling outs. While guilt can bring humility and accountability, it becomes destructive when it turns into lifelong self-imprisonment. If someone is denying us the ability to move on with our life after the appropriate amount of time, then I’m going to refer to them as a micro-sadist. Punishment, judgment, and control is what they care about - not healing or a better outcome. So their opinion is irrelevant. At some point, healing allows us to stop asking for permission to move on.

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TikTok On The Clock

A few months back the algorithm introduced me to a TikTok where a twenty-eight year old (we’ll call her Bailey) opens up about her experience being bullied in high school (we’ll call her Tess). The bullying damaged Bailey’s confidence and social life, but it ended at graduation. Years later, Tess reaches out to apologize. Bailey turns down her apology. Healing may have taken Bailey years. Therapy may have been necessary. But at some point, continued anger on Bailey’s end becomes disproportionate to the present reality.

This is the perfect example of how Social Sentencing could help Bailey.

S = R × M

R = 4 Years

M = 2 (Major conflict)

S = 4 Years × 2

S = 8 Years

Four years of high school bullying is a big deal. Based on the Social Sentencing formula, it could take Bailey up to eight years to heal and mentally move forward. By 26, it’s time to start a new chapter. Bailey’s healing is up to her.

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I shared this post as a draft with my dad last month. He asked a good question: What if someone was in your life for 20, 30, 40+ years - what would that sentencing look like? This is where things get more nuanced. Losing a lifelong friend, falling out with a sibling, getting divorced, a bad argument with a decades-long neighbor. You very well could be looking at years of emotional turmoil based on my equation. In a decades or life long situation, I would recommend this:

1. Length doesn’t always equal depth. Usually friendships and relationships start to fade off way before an actual cut off. You might have been “friends” for 10 years but only “close” for two of them. S = R × M You’re looking at 2 Years × 2 Level Conflict = 4 Years of Social Sentencing.

2. Take some time to ask yourself the hard questions about the conflict at hand. Some people are rare to come by. Falling out or losing touch with a very close friend can feel like losing them to death itself. You may always carry some regrets, sadness, anger, memories, happiness. Reaching out, confronting the situation, and attempting to save the relationship might be a route you wish to pursue after a certain amount of time.

3. As a general rule, I would say a social sentencing statute of limitations of ten years is extremely reasonable in almost every scenario. A decade is a very long time. People change, move, age. Allow yourself time to heal and recognize that there comes a point where life is too short to spend yet another day/month/year/decade holding on to past conflict.

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Recognizing When It’s Time (To Move On)

When someone steals our wallet on the beach, what do we do? We learn from it! We adjust and rarely obsess. We give the thief the benefit of the doubt (Maybe they really needed the money). We take accountability (It was dumb to bring our wallet with us). With time, we move on. Yes, changed. We’re now more cautious and we leave our wallet in the room. But we (hopefully) don’t let it stop us from going to the beach ever again. We know if apprehended, the thief likely wouldn’t even get jail time. It wasn’t that serious. So, after a certain amount of time, we treat it as such.

That’s most of life. Which is oddly beautiful and horrifying. We must recognize that our fellow humans make mistakes. We make mistakes. We do not want to become an emotional hoarder of every single conversation/action that upsets us. Does a family member missing a wedding mean they should never be included in your life ever again? Should a rude neighbor be shunned for decades? We don’t hold these same time convictions to jailed criminals. Even criminal justice systems offer something called Compassionate release. This is when an inmate may be eligible for immediate early release on grounds of "particularly extraordinary or compelling circumstances which could not reasonably have been foreseen by the court at the time of sentencing.” Grace, more or less. The Theory of Social Sentencing reminds us when the time has come to grant those in our lives compassionate release from our minds.

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Peace Offering

I want to close with something I came across on X last week:

Forgiveness is peace.

I have struggled with forgiveness my entire life. Forgiveness rarely feels fair. It’s not always free to give, there is usually a cost. Sometimes it feels like giving someone a free pass. Other times it feels like self-betrayal, lowering your standards, or people-pleasing.

Forgiveness isn’t something we give because someone deserves it or they provided the perfect apology and changed behavior. It’s something we give because we want peace. Peace allows for co-existing, calmness, harmony, and security. Forgiveness is not about being the “bigger person” or letting something slide. When forgiveness feels forced or like a jab at our confidence, that’s usually because we have not set correct boundaries. It’s important to recognize that forgiveness does not restore trust or guarantee access. Forgiveness is about conflict resolution and making a deliberate decision to no longer carry the weight of the situation.

Conflict resolution is a very important skill to develop if we plan to have a family, community, and friend(s) for life. If we can confront problems, limit the time we are caught up in our emotions, and offer forgiveness - we are able to minimize social suffering. Through Social Sentencing, I’ve been able to process that every conflict has an emotional expiration date. We’re allowed to feel hurt, process said conflict, and even sit in it for a while. Once the time is up, forgiveness is what closes the chapter. We can then move forward without dragging every negative past social situation with someone into our present.

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Thanks for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts, feedback, stories in the comments! I actually just had to put social sentencing to use in my personal life this past weekend when I ran into a public enemy out and about. Read my story in the comments ⬇️